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In Defense of Women Drivers

or the shortest editorial I'll ever write...

February 5, 2004

Just wondering... why was it that when I went through driver's ed, all of the instructors were men? I don't mean to complain, but affirmative action, anyone? ACLU, anyone?

I'm sorry... what was that? Women are horrible drivers? Is that what you just said?

Okay, maybe you're right... women might be inferior drivers ...but let's examine the reasons behind such a hypothesis. I'll begin by introducing a few key questions.

1. When was the last time you saw a man putting on makeup while driving?

2. How many days a month, on average, do men drive while suffering severe abdomenal cramps?

3. And when reaching for a Barbra Streisand CD, how do men manage to keep both hands on the wheel?

It may seem to you like I'm reaching for straws (in addition to Barbra) but I assure you, as a woman, sometimes our driving mishaps are not entirely our fault. Playing the period card isn't really fair, is it? Men don't have periods because they can't have periods, because Eve betrayed God in the Garden of Eden when she forgot to use her turn signal. But for all you men out there wondering what female cramps feel like, just imagine zipping your penis in your zipper every time you move.

Now multiply that by ten.

As for the makeup argument... if men don't want women putting on makeup while driving, why'd they make cars with vanity mirrors in the front seat?

Actually the difference between men and women drivers has nothing to do with driving skill. No, it's more of a "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" difference. A woman sees a car as what it is... a huge glob of metal designed to transport her from place to place. Whereas a man sees a car as an extension of his manhood, a huge metal phallic symbol designed to impress women. This is why men drive gas guzzling monster machines with hemis and four wheel drive and women drive econo safe volvos that barely have the engine power to climb themselves over a speedbump.

Men want swift powerful modern day dinosaurs that trample the streets like a T-Rex.

If available, women would prefer a romantic horse and buggy.

So boys, next time you find yourself yelling at a woman behind the wheel, remember... the female species doesn't see the car as anything more than a vehicle of transport, a necessary evil in a fast paced world. To you, it's your penis. You name it. You admire it. You touch it every chance you get. To us women, all that matters is that it gets us where we're going.

That's true for the penis too.

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