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Rumsfeld: WMD are MIA, we're SOL

February 10, 2004

Washington - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told Congress Wednesday that despite David Kay’s insistence there are no WMD in Iraq, he believes weapons still exist, but are just in hard to find locations. Rumsfeld’s assertions came before the Senate Armed Services Committee ten months into the weapons hunt.

“We know Saddam had WMD at one time because he used them on his own people. But since then, the weapons are simply gone, like the President’s National Guard records. But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist,” said Rumsfeld.

Answering critics of the US led invasion of Iraq, President Bush told the press, “America did the right thing. We may never find the weapons because many of them are chemical and gaseous. Everyone knows you can’t see gas, that is unless you light a match behind a fart.”

Other possibilities Rumsfeld cited:

• Weapons may have been lost, or misplaced in hard to find locations, such as underneath couch cushions or behind the refrigerator, right next to Saddam’s great aunt’s recipe for cakebombs.

• Weapons such as missiles and nuclear warheads may have been melted down for their metal, which was then sculpted into those many statues of Saddam Hussein found and later toppled everywhere in Iraq.

• Weapons may have existed before the arrival of American troops, but were quickly transported to another country via yellow Ryder trucks, the same kind of truck used by Timothy McVeigh to bomb the Oklahoma City Building.

• Weapons may have been purchased by NASCAR for research into nuclear capability, a technology that could possibly someday be used under the engine of stock cars.

• Weapon sales may have also supplied Saddam money with which to buy a lifetime’s worth of video tapes on which to record himself saying “Iraq is winning the war.” Either that or a steel butt plug to protect himself in an American prison in the event of his inevitable capture.

“The possibilities are endless,” assured Rumsfeld. “Weapons could be hiding anywhere. Until we scour the entire face of planet earth, we cannot claim they don’t exist.”

Rumsfeld makes an interesting point. Many things, not just weapons of mass destruction, have failed to show up on radar in recent times, some things which were very real just a few short years ago. For instance, what ever happened to the Backstreet Boys? Or Britney Spear’s virginity? Janet Jackson’s bra mysteriously came up missing during the Superbowl’s Halftime show. John Kerry’s wrinkles. Michael Jackson’s flat nose. And has anyone ever found Waldo?

WMD, if continued to be a no show, may begin to stand for Weapons of Mass Disappearance.

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