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Sun Oversleeps Leaving World in the Dark

Feb. 1, 2004

After celebrating his 5 billionth birthday Thursday night, the Sun accidently overslept this morning, leaving the world in the dark until approximately noon today. The incident is the first ever mishap for the Sun, who insists his alarm did not go off.

Speaking from behind glasses named for him, the Sun denied allegations that the real reason he came to work late was because he was suffering from some post celabratory hangover, although he did ask reporters to whisper their next question. He also denied the rumor that he's suffering from the onsets of a mid life crisis, but his denials painted a clear picture of a Sun unable to adjust to the effects of aging.

"I might have partied hard last night but let me tell you something," said the giant ball of flames, "It's not easy being middle aged. For one thing, my hair's not as thick as it used to be. Younger stars are starting to call me Captain Combover and I can't tell you how many times I've opened my mailbox to find anonymous gifts of Rogaine. I can't even read the paper anymore without my glasses. My grandson calls me Sun Ray Charles. Kids today. They drive through the universe like bats out of hell, always with their stereos blasting that music. Music? That ain't music. That's just noise, is all that is."

"He just can't hold his liquor like he used to," said one brown dwarf who bowls with the Sun. "He used to be able to drink us all under the table. But now one beer makes him stumble like a blind epileptic."

"Listen, I fu**ed up, okay?" the Sun finally admitted. "I miss one day of work in five billion years and everyone wants my head on a platter. Just chill, everyone. Take a day off. It won't kill ya. Lord knows, I could use a day in a Lazy Boy jerking off to porn on the Playboy Channel."

"Life's not simple like it was before tanning lotion and basketball teams were named after me. Ah, the good ole days, back when the Milky Way was just a galaxy and not a candybar. I'll be lucky if there's any social security left when I need it and if that isn't bad enough, AARP is sending me membership applications. I no longer get carded buying liquor, but instead get asked if I'm eligible for the senior citizen discount. Sure, moving on my axis isn't as easy as it once was, but I'm not exactly a red giant yet. I still have a lot of light to give, a lot of warmth to offer. But people can't even look me in the eye anymore."

What will be the fate of the world as the Sun goes through his mid life crisis? Sociologist Ted Franklin insists that if the Sun receives proper care and medication his mid life crisis should not affect the world in the slightest. "Also, he might want to deal with it in a more conventional way - he might want to try zooming through the universe in a red Corvette Convertible."

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