President Bush on Thursday announced the creation of a new alert system that will allow the country to know current risk levels of homosexuality at any given time. The system will coordinate risk factors with current US intelligence to determine the level of risk homosexuals pose to modern civilization as we know it. Masterminded by Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, Mary, working in collaboration with Newt Gingrich’s lesbian sister, and Ronald Reagan’s gay son, the program will access the latest cultural trends and factor in the gay agenda, making all Americans aware of the current status of homosexuality within our borders. Also helping with the project were Jenna and Barbara Bush, the President’s twin daughters, but only that one time when they were really really drunk

Recent success of television shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the L Word, Will and Grace, and Queer as Folk have put our current risk level at Orange Alert... don’t drop the soap. President Bush issued a press release warning the country to keep their boxers on frontwards in the face of this impending danger that threatens the very fabric of our survival as a species.

Also putting America at risk is the stubborn insistence of some big city mayors to uphold the US Constitution by administering gay weddings across the country, despite public outcry from mostly frumpish, oftentimes divorced, disgruntled straight voters who can’t bear to see anyone happy.

Last week on an episode of Pat Robertson’s The 700 Club, Reverend Jerry Falwell blamed the terrorist bombing in Madrid, Spain on gay weddings happening here, right now, in America. Falwell has endorsed Bush’s Homo Alert System because “it will make God loving normal people aware of their sinful cunt licking and cock sucking neighbors.”

"And by the way," Falwell added, "Spain is full of a bunch of fags. The Bible says so."