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Janet Jackson is a Boob

And other random thoughts on the morality police

February 1, 2004

I must be the only person of the 99 million watching the Superbowl who didn't see Janet's tit. In fact only one person in the bar saw it and I just figured he was drunk. But no, it turned out he was incredibly observant. He seemed rather pleased he saw it.

So where's all this outrage coming from?

Oh yeah, I forgot... half of us are Republicans. I'm sorry. My bad. Where exactly do these people live? And do they get cable there?

So now the FCC is investigating this grand scandal and the morality police have all crawled out of their spider holes and jumped on the bandwagon to judge American culture at large. And nudity isn't the only victim of this gang of thugs.

Fart jokes everywhere are threatened.

Dirty Dancing is no longer a cool 80s movie, but an exhibition of immoral porn. It's like what the Baptists say. Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

That's just horseshit, actually. I've danced many times and it hasn't ever led to sex. I'm not bragging. In fact, I'm not bragging at all.

So here's my take on the whole Janet boob thing...

It had nothing to do with Janet. I'll say that again because it bares repeating.

It had nothing to do with Janet.

Sure, Janet's a fine looking woman who's awful proud of her breasts as rightly she should be. I know if I had boobs like hers, I wouldn't even shop for shirts anymore. I don't blame her for showing them off. After all, she paid an awful lot for them. And a boob job to a woman is like a corvette to a man. You just want the world to know you got one.

No, the subject of interest in this story is that hot little male of a stud who goes by the name of Justin Timberlake. Remember, this is the guy who dated Britney Spears, then broke up with her, and then was left sitting in the aisle to see Britney tongue wrestling with Madonna at last year's MTV Video Music Awards.

All's fair in love and war.

So good little Justin accidently rips the bodice off of a pop diva of his own. Yes, it was planned. Would Janet have been wearing the nipple shield if it wasn't? Britney's lesbian kiss was planned. If a tame spit swap can set the entertainment world ablaze, just think what a little topless dancing could do.

What a naughty little nipple.

And the media, being the dumbasses they are, are all tripping over themselves to report the story, falling right into the trap that both Janet and Justin set.

Pretty soon the outrage over this flap will spurn an outrage over the outrage. That's the wagon I'm jumping on. American culture is fine. It's society's hangups about sex and nudity that needs tweaking. And not everyone has these hangups... just hypocritical people who impeached our last President and the religious right who own stock in the man written Bible. And really my heart goes out to these people because they can't enjoy life since it's obviously so tainted by immorality. They're missing out on a lot, so it must suck to be them.

However, don't rain on my parade. If you don't like something on tv, change the channel. If you don't like something you read, read Christian Living. If you see a site you don't like on the internet, hit your back button. It's not so hard.

That leaves more for me. I'll enjoy HBO and Showtime, I'll watch the bumping and grinding on MTV, I'll enjoy fart jokes in the commercials, and Mad TV and smutty satire websites, and I invite everyone else to do the same. Trust me, there's some good shit out there.

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