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Marriage is So Gay

So Gay

February 25, 2004

So the hot topic of the day is Bush wanting to ban gays and lesbians from that sacred institution we all know and love... and I don't mean Starbucks. It goes a little something like this. Homosexuals should not be allowed the privelege of marriage, despite this being a free country and all. Because, as Bush says, there ought to be limits to freedom. And the Merican people shouldn't have the freedom to be pansies. This, coming from a man who was a cheerleader in college and didn't have the balls to go to Vietnam.

The irony is biting.

Or might I say... munching?

At a time when our nation is under threat of terrorism, it's comforting to know our president is protecting us from the real dangers posed to us-- fudge packers and carpet munchers. It shouldn't come as any surprise that a Presidential administration run by people named Bush and Dick would be all hot and bothered by sexuality. Especially nonconformist sexuality. American society has enough hangups about straight sex, let alone sex without the right plumbing.

Well, as a bona fide fag hag, I have a couple legitimate opinions on this issue.

The first is this idea that gay marriage threatens the sanctity of marriage, as if allowing Ben and Fred to exchange rings and bodily juices would somehow make it impossible for Tracy and Phillip to do the same. Someone please explain to me how letting a few thousand twinks and dykes make their commitment legal would suddenly put millions of boring heterosexual marriages in jeopardy.

If someone could make a reasonable argument convincing me that gay marriage damages straight marriage, I'd immediately start humping Bush's leg.

I'm serious. What, gay marriage will suddenly prompt straight people to jump the fence just to see what it's like, as if most of us haven't tried it already? Are we really so captivated by those gay guys on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, so much that we want to be them? As far as I can tell, the only straight person threatened by gay marriage is Liza Minnelli.

And don't feed me that religious bullshit about how homosexuality is against Biblical teachings because last I knew procreation was the purpose of the whole man-woman thing preached up in the Big Book, and since we aren't exactly going to die out as a species anytime soon, the argument is moot. It's true... remember how the Bible condemns masturbation as a sin because spilling thy seed outside of thou womb is a waste of otherwise perfectly good sperm. And the Bible is quiet on the issue of lesbianism because, sadly there was no Biblical version of Howard Stern back in the day.

Anyway, who are we kidding? Marriage has nothing to do with religion. If it did, atheists wouldn't be allowed to partake in such a sacred ceremony. And we all remember the Meathead marrying Gloria as Edith played the organ and Archie looked on in dread. Marriage is a legal issue. It's about benefits. It's about money. And as Americans, we're all married to money. Marriage hurts big business.

So if Bush is really pro-marriage, he should be flattered that these counter cultured folks want to conform to such a conservative union. It's kinda like when a gay person hits on you at the gym. It's natural to be offended at first. But when you really think about it, it's just one more person in the world who'd like to boff you, which means you must be hot, on some level at least. By pushing acceptance into marriage contracts, the gay and lesbian community is hitting on Bush, and he's getting all pissed because he's not secure in his own sexuality (it's perfectly natural to think about it sometimes, George) so instead of being inclusive and flirting back, he's throwing punches. Just like what happened to Ryan White.

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