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Bush Opens Borders to Mars Aliens

Feb. 1, 2004

In his state of the union address Tuesday night, President Bush proposed to grant legal status to millions of alien workers from Mars. The proposal would apply to aliens already in this country illegally, as well as those who want to travel to our planet, assuming they already have a job lined up.

The plan allows for aliens to stay in America for three light year periods, and is being heralded by big businesses which could profit from an inter galactic workforce.

This plan coincides with Bush’s Space Initiative, also unleashed this week that hopes to put a man on the moon by the year 2015. When informed that America has already put a man on the moon, back in 1969, President Bush said, “But this time we’ll be drilling for oil.”

If all goes well on the moon, Bush plans to send a manned space mission to our neighboring planet and ally in the war on terror, Mars. “Heck,” said the chuckling President, “We could even build some saloons up there and call them Mars Bars.”

Dick Biggles operates a roofing company in Dallas, Texas and thinks the President’s immigration plan will help increase his quantity of business. “Human roofers often complain of scorching heat on the job.” Aliens, especially those from planets closer to the sun, are less susceptible to maladies not covered by roofing health insurance, such as skin cancer or physical dehydration. Although Bush’s plan now only covers aliens from Mars, Biggles hopes that eventually aliens from Mercury and Venus will be accepted to work on this planet, as they’ll be less vulnerable to the sun’s deadly rays.

Even Hollywood is applauding Bush’s idea, as aliens will now get to play their own parts in anti-climatic films starring Mel Gibson as a preacher who examines crop circles.

But some criticized Bush’s plan, like former Senator Jesse Helms, calling it nothing more than affirmative action for green skinned beings. And Rush Limbaugh has warned that just because alien workers are a different color doesn’t necessarily mean they have a better work ethic. “They may be better able to work in hotter temperatures, but just wait until they have to use their smaller sized brains,” he said on his radio program.

Limbaugh later retracted the statement, claiming he was quoted out of context.

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